Dan Guinness (he/him), Managing Director

Published 2nd October 2024

For #SHW24 we’re exploring the links between mental health and sexual health. In this blog, Managing Director of Beyond Equality, Dan Guinness, shares some key insights about how men’s attitudes towards sex can impact their mental wellbeing.

While sex can be joyful, health boosting, emotionally satisfying and stress relieving, currently many people are so influenced by harmful ideas and negative thoughts about sex that it can impact their mental wellbeing. 

Over the past year, public discourse has increasingly focused on men’s mental health and the problematic attitudes some men have towards sex, which manifest in various harmful behaviours. However, what's less discussed is how men’s attitudes toward their sex lives directly impact their mental wellbeing. Perhaps more crucially, this is a topic rarely approached with the empathy, care, and expert advice it deserves, and rather left to ill-informed discussions on internet forums.

Beyond Equality has run over 4000 deep discussion workshops with nearly 100,000 men and boys, giving these men a chance to explore their experiences and understand how these are shaped by gendered social expectations on dating, consent, and mental wellbeing. 

Men Want to Talk about Insecurities about Sex …. But Don’t 

In the space created in our facilitated workshops, we’ve found that young men and boys are eager to discuss personal and social expectations about sex. These discussions span across different ages and life stages: from teens exploring the world of dating but deeply concerned with their social standing, to university students anxiety about flirting or being sexually inactive, to men in workplaces grappling with the boundaries between flirting and harassment, to older men concerned about changing physical experiences of sex. Because we create an opportunity for people to have discussions about topics without judgement, and to ask questions without sharing personal details, one of the most consistent pieces of feedback is that our workshop has been the first time that groups have had conversations about sensitive topics. 

Being very careful not to disclose any personal details, here are some key insights we’ve gained about how men’s attitudes toward sex impact their mental wellbeing:

1. Personal Connection is More Important than Social Approval

• Happiness from Connection: We often see young men more concerned with hooking up with people their friends would be impressed by, rather than someone they actually enjoy being with. For some young men, there can be a lot of anxiety felt about being associated with the ‘wrong” person. And hey, maybe spending time with someone you like spending time with would be a good thing. 
• Self-Worth Beyond Attractiveness: Some men have internalised the idea that their worth is defined by the number of sexual conquests they have. This mindset, especially reinforced in some online forums, can lead to a deep sense of inadequacy and lack of self-worth. Some men may be pushed toward obsessive efforts aimed at fitting stereotypes of attractiveness, and at its worst this can lead to self-harm or violence towards others. It’s crucial to recognise that our value is not defined by our “body count” or perceived attractiveness.
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2. Hormonal Influences and Mental WellBeing

• Hormones, Mood and Emotional Connection: Sexual activity can affect hormone levels in men, for instance helping balance testosterone, which is linked to mood regulation, stress reduction and overall wellbeing, or oxytocin, which is linked to emotional bonding, feelings of happiness and reducing stress. When men engage in sex within a healthy, consensual relationship, it can serve as an important outlet for stress and a way to improve mood.
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3. Relationship Satisfaction and Emotional Intimacy

• Increased Self-Esteem: Positive sexual experiences can contribute to higher self-esteem and body image, especially when men feel secure and understood within their relationships.
• Strengthening Bonds: Sexual activity can deepen emotional intimacy and strengthen the overall satisfaction within a relationship. Good communication about sexual needs and boundaries fosters a stronger emotional connection, which can also have positive impacts on individual wellbeing. 
• Sexual Health and Dysfunction: From time to time many men will experience an issue with their sexual health. However, these topics are often viewed as either taboo, deeply embarrassing or threatening to a man’s social standing. And so, too often men prefer to ignore problems, keep them to themselves, and don’t seek support. 
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4. Consent and the Skills to Build Healthy Sex Lives 

• Navigating Boundaries: Men in various stages of life express confusion about the boundaries between flirting and harassment. Open, honest conversations about consent and mutual respect are essential for fostering healthy relationships.
• Space to Ask: Most young men (and many older ones) are caught in a bind where they believe that they need to pretend that they already know about sex, yet still have lots of questions and insecurities. There is often a long queue of questions when a relatable and knowledgeable relationships educator is in the room, especially if these can be asked anonymously. Many of these relate directly to deep insecurities young men may have, perhaps fuelled by pornography and expectations on social media, and which, without safe educative spaces to ask professions, leave young people susceptible to the appeal and advice of very harmful online personas. 
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5. Aging, Sexual Performance, and Mental Health

• Adapting to Changes: As men age, changes in libido and sexual performance are natural. These changes can sometimes lead to anxiety or depression, particularly if men feel pressured to maintain youthful levels of sexual activity. Understanding and accepting these changes as part of the natural ageing process can help maintain mental wellbeing.
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6. Heteronormativity and the LGBTQIA+ Experience

• Breaking Norms: Many settings, including some education about sex, reinforce heteronormative expectations, which can alienate those who don’t conform to these norms. Mental health issues are notably higher among LGBTQIA+ young people, often due to the lack of open conversations about their experiences and the prevalence of bullying.
• Body Shaming and Categorisation: The pressure to fit into certain physical categories or to measure oneself against others can be damaging. It’s important to create spaces where men can appreciate their bodies and sexual identities without judgement.
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7. Pressure to Initiate and Emotional Shutdown

• Challenging the Stereotype: Society often portrays men as always ready and willing to have sex. However, men’s sex drives vary widely, and there are many reasons—age, health, relationship dynamics, mental wellbeing, or simply life’s demands—that might influence this. When men feel pressured to be sexually available or to initiate sex, they may shut down emotionally or engage in sexual activities they don’t want, leading to stress, regret, and trauma.
• Creating Space for Emotional Connection: Many men struggle to create space for emotional connections in their intimate relationships, leading to emotional shutdowns that can harm both their mental wellbeing and the quality of their relationships.
• Control: young men are being taught to control things from a young age, with boys more likely to be told to ignore or move past emotions or pain, which goes on to have an impact on emotional expression, ability to seek help, and stigma about mental wellbeing. Ideas of control can also become part of how men behave within their relationship, extending to how they perform masculinity when it comes to sex and relationships, and then that bouncing back as a negative on their mental wellbeing and experience of relationships.

Conversations That Matter

When talking to men about these topics, it’s important to emphasise:

• The Ratings Don’t Matter: The opinions of others about your partner are irrelevant. What matters is your personal connection and happiness.
• Your Worth Is Not Defined by Your Body Count: Reinforce the idea that self-worth is about much more than sexual conquests.
• The Best Lovers Communicate: Emphasise the importance of being willing to communicate, listen, and learn about what both partners want and need in a relationship.
• Sex Isn’t Always a Given: Normalise the idea that it’s okay for men not to want to have sex and that this doesn’t diminish their masculinity or worth.

Through these conversations, we can help men navigate the complexities of their sex lives with empathy, care, and a focus on overall mental wellbeing.

About Beyond Equality

Beyond Equality is the leading non-profit organisation working with young men and boys on masculinities in the UK. We give new spaces to create healthier masculinities and relationships, and to bring them into the process of gender justice, preventing gender based violence and creating more inclusive communities. We seek to create a positive impact on individuals and communities across the UK through a multifaceted approach including policy work, research, education workshops, and community work.

Get involved: beyondequality.org

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